Communicating in a relationship begins with honesty. It’s not just bonding by sharing rituals, secret telling, or finding similarities, it’s fitting the puzzle of two personalities together. It’s finding where they fit, where they don’t, and learning to work with what you’ve got. Being honest enough to share the reality of who you are, both strengths and weaknesses, now thats the hard part! The layers of protective defenses that we build throughout our lives are so intricate and elaborate that it takes tons of effort to strip our facade and reveal honest communication. It pushes us past our comfort zones, into areas that may be painful, serious, and sensitive. But in most cases, communication takes the relationship a step towards more intimate conversations and deeper understanding. That is in fact what a relationship is, by my standards at least. 

The mind is such as strange organ. It is the place from which everything about us emanates, thoughts and feelings, fear and confidence, faith and doubt. Our emotions filter through it, finding an acceptable response, and sending out only mere words to relay the complexities of who we are, what we think, and where we are coming from. No one person can access another’s mind. Which means…we must communicate. Communication is quickly complicated by our human nature. There are times when what we say isn’t always what we mean, when we send mixed messages, or when we say something just because it makes things easier. No matter how hard it is, or how misunderstood we feel, it is our own responsibility to keep fighting for clarity. In the end, we teach people how to treat us – meaning the responsibility to communicate lies not on the shoulders of others, but on ourselves.  

“So give her information to help her fill the holes. Give an ounce of power so He does not feel controlled. Help her to acknowledge the pain that you are in. Give to him a glimpse of that beneath your skin.” – “Sweet Potato” by Sia 

There’s something about being somewhere you quite don’t belong that heightens one’s excitement, exceeds all expectations and leaves you truly without words, mouths dropped open and all you can do is squeal and hyperventilate. Yes, it was that good. Spring Break 2008! 

The travel was what worried me most. We didn’t know exactly how long it would take us, only that map quest said around 19 hours. Yippee – what better way to spend the day? But lucky for me, I had some super troupers along for the ride. The drive, both ways, went splendidly well. When we arrived at our little water color paradise, the sun was on the verge of setting. Thank goodness it had quite disappeared yet. It would have left me without one of my favorite memories of the trip. As we unlocked the doors to the back yard, complete with freakishly manicured grass…Jessica, Jen, and I began to jump up and down, gasping and screaming at the same time at our very own pool, perfect lawn, and private beach. Jess began a full circular sprint, arms spread like a seagull riding the wind, and just celebrated our arrival.

The week was incredibly beautiful. We took naps, listened to music, ate wonderful food, read great books, and mostly just laid in the sun. Jess and I were practically “tanning machines” (haha… we’re both very fair). 

Sorry, no embarrassing stories can be posted about the pool boy, motor home dumping stations, possums, Edward, snow bunnies, getting lost in Orlando, or other stuff like that. It’s true – we were crazy ladies just in for a good time in West Palm Beach. What happens on spring break, stays…..well you know the saying!

I wondered when as we were signing up to share at leaders meetings what God would be teaching many months in the future, on this specific day. I was pretty sure it would be something like being really pumped about small group (or the opposite), maybe having clarity of just where God is leading me in my future, maybe even sharing with you my excitement about going back to Kanakuk, but all those things seem nominal at the moment.

Mainly, what I’ve learned about myself in the past few months is that I dislike conflict. I would rather be a pacifist than to ruin someone’s day with by confronting them about something. Equally, a like comment towards me can truly turn my day on its back. And the ONLY concrete thing I know about myself because I’ve discovered this about myself is that I value peace. But doesn’t everyone want that?

I question whether I fold for the benefit of the group – especially in my home life. Where do lines get drawn on respect for my parents and my needs as a woman trying to become an independent adult. Do I do it with all of you? The answer is yes as often as it no.

Jess’s talk about deferring to others really stuck with me. I have mauled over that idea and searched deep to figure out if that was my case or was I just a pansy.

But “God did not give [me] a spirit of timidity…” so where will I find balance between saying what needs to be said and letting other things work themselves out? That lies only in the within the will of God. I must begun to learn to be an effective peace maker only by knowing HIM. Not reading conflict management books or techniques, not by passively praying and have no courage to act.

I am deeply encouraged knowing that the battles I fight, I hope to never have chosen for myself, but that they would be on target with the objective God wants me to reach solely for His glory.

Basically, all I know for now is that Jesus dealt with a lot of conflict with those who opposed who he was. Followers of Christ through the centuries dealt with conflict from those who opposed what they believed. And as sure as I am a daughter of Christ, there will be conflict in my life used to grow me and mature me. (James 1:2-4)

Little did I know, at the beginning of last year when I began my blog I would have so accurately named it; “I Bite My Tongue.” Oh God, you joker!!! Can’t He seriously crack you up sometimes or what? But really, its simple a concept through which I am growing immensely.

So there you go…that’s one of my my biggest fears and I ask you to hold me to it the goal I have to gracefully, truthfully, and lovingly confront problems head on. I do want to learn. I dont want to be scared.

#2. LOST: I’m confused, scared, and angry most of the time but I love it.

#3. Enchanted: finally a movie made for people like me…the very few “hopeless romantic – eternal optimistic – right brained – princesses” who will actually live happily ever after because thats just what we do. 

My director, Caleb, is…well honestly, I can’t figure him out. What I do know is I admire him for choosing to direct a controversial play. He approached it with ease, confidence, and creativity. There was a thankfulness in his eyes towards us as we completed each scene just the way he imagined it, because he knew it was hard for us. There was something about his way that made even the toughest moments comforting because he believed what we were accomplishing was good.

My friends lit up the moment they stepped on the stage. I do believe they see the world as their very own stage. It’s contagious to be around them and feed on their energy. No matter who they become as they step into the spot light, all their performing isn’t a facade. They risk failure and rejection, but they pursue raw emotion. They are genuine, they are fearless, and they believe in what they do. So I admire them.

I most admire art. How we can live in it. The message it sends is quite unmistakable to a person who seeks its meaning out. For The Lottery, and for it’s consequences and blood shed, we see normalcy and maintaining the status quo. Apart from it, we are out casts. So We bite our tongues and we throw the same stones, again and again.

It takes courage to get stoned. And it’s not always going to end up happy or good. People might stab you in the back and admonish you for choosing to perform such an offensive play. But some will see the important message behind it and be changed. There might be more con’s than pro’s and infamy might be the reputation you leave behind. You might change society, but it could also mean you lose the world. That you hurt. But you know you’ve chosen what’s right. You live knowing you did the right thing. You die without regret and no stones in your pockets.

“Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – His good, pleasing, and perfect will.” – Romans 12:2

Ahh! It almost gives me chills of fear knowing that although this class may be over, just a few weeks and the stress will rush back into my life. During “Terminator Week” I feel like a very large man is sitting on my shoulders, lets call him Arnold. He’s sitting on everyone’s shoulders and the weight that they bear because of it leaves everyone tired, miffed, and in utter mission mode to try and mutilate him.

Its really unfortunate that “Terminator Week” comes during the most jovial season of the year. It puts a big damper on people’s attitudes and happiness – but I can’t change this age old tradition someone in some university thought would be appropriate for all universities, and therefore unnecessarily spread the idea to us all. I just wanted to complain! So good luck killing your Arnold and have a Merry Christmas!

When I think back to my childhood, or at least what I can remember, it could be the childhood to measure all others with, and it would win.

Late mornings at the breakfast bar, watching Gula Gula Island, and doing Mavis Beacon. Dad bringing home children’s books just because he loves us. And when Dad took us to Shogun’s and the Zoo and the Baseball game all in one day. All those long afternoons in creeks rearranging the rocks to make waterfalls. Our prayer hand prints to pray for Mom on her mission trips (they seemed forever). The times we played McDonalds with the intercom at our house. When Luke “didn’t want to be a part of our family anymore” and Bear and I acted like we were running away from home to make him appreciate us – it worked! Our club, just the boys and me, in the “woods” with the “white zombies”, “bear tree”, and sumac forests. Mom always instigating the after dinner basketball and softball games and just letting us be…in the rain, with our umbrella tents. Homeschooling was the bomb (.com)! Morning rounds at the hospital with Dad and breakfast in the secret doctors lounge. “Trades” with my dad – he rubs my back and I rub his feet at the same time. Pulley systems back and forth between the foyer and all of our secret hiding spots. The 3 of us sleeping in the same bed together everynight, for years, talking and laughing …singing “I love you Lord” and “Winnie the Poo Bear” to them every night. The smell of summer and the country club swimming pool at night when it was just our family. Everyone’s assigned seats at our table. Friday nights when I was a loner/loser- they all were my best friends. Constant encouragement to be myself! Never ceasing prayer. If only we could go back to those days – the perfect days of elated simplicity and peace. We lived it up!

I miss those times. Things aren’t too far gone – I wish they would see that too. We are in transition – and we fight. Fighting breaks my heart. Its so controlled it’s out of control, if that makes sense. It hurts to hear my brothers say they don’t want me here anymore. The best friend I used to be has been banished from their hearts. And my poor parents are squinting to see hope at the end of these teenage years!

No doubt it will be over as quickly as the sunsets of all those perfect days in our past but right now it’s as repetitive and monotonous as waiting for a train to pass at a railroad crossing! We’re growing up…it hurts sometimes and it sucks a lot of the time, but mainly its just hard. I do my best for them, but I’m not good enough. I speak words of kindness that somehow get lost in translation and get the response of the worst insult that could be dealt. Do they even remember those things I remember? Looking back it was like an untouchable, beautiful dream. But it wasn’t a dream…life was real, it was love.

When everything is on pins and needles, I can at least know that it’s in God’s hands. They are the family God perfectly created for me and I for them – why? I have no idea sometimes. But His providence is easy to trust. If nothing else, I’ll hold on to that.

“All that I know is I’m breathing…

All I can do is keep breathing…

All we can do is keep breathing…

now.” -Ingrid Michaelson

Relationships seem to go something like this:

“Once upon a time you were single, it was fun and definitely fine with you, until one day…a certain someone catches your eye — and there’s no fighting it! Its immediate attraction, fireworks, knock you off your feet, electricity, curiosity, and adventure all in a new found flame. So you’re caught off gaurd because it was unexpected, yet its also inviting because the surprise is mutual. No harm in getting to know each other, hanging out, and talking, right? Maybe you won’t even like the other person when you get to know them a little bit. But the talking reveals your similarities and differences, dreams, future, past, character, sense of humor, etc…You are ‘in-like’ for sure now. And thats when the small things mean so much – nothings comfortable yet, but putting yourself out there is completely worth it. Its in those times: the phone calls, the apple snacks, the walks to class, the dancing, the smirks without explanations, the footsie under the table, the celebrating nothing…those are the times when the ‘eeek!’ appears. But time passes, routines are formed, and the excitement curbs a little…soon the ‘eeek!’ becomes so faint, it sometimes even disappears. You continue to live in a ‘eeek!-less’ relationship – eventually you just accept that or the relationship ends (probably in a resounding “uhhh!” or “errr!”). Either way, the ‘eeek!’ has lost it’s power.”

I hate that cycle because I love the “eeek!”. I have resolved to cherish and recognize the “eeeks!”. I never want to lose the “endorphins & adrenaline” that they give me. And I never want to take the person who “eeeks!” me for granted. So people say relationships take work – maybe we’re all working to keep the “eeek!” in our lives. I like to work.

I just needed to say that out loud. Thanks for reading!

When I have so much to say, why is it so hard to say it? I censor myself to everyone in my life. It is the only polite, civilized way to be. I know I bite my tongue even when I write this blog. There are those who I know will read it for sure and even more who I dont even know are reading it, both groups have opinions and perceptions of me based on my words. But I dont want to just say things people want to hear! I haven’t lied in my past blogs…but I also don’t fully flesh out all of my thoughts.

Lately, everything that comes out of my mouth is just not quite right. Hopefully my fingers will be more eloquent! A friend of mine was telling me about a study that had proven when you write whats on your mind, it frees your mind up and helps you not to stress out. So I’m recommitting to my blog and the idea that I can write things here I can’t say in real life. So as I said a few months ago: Here’s to trying…

“I love my brothers…but I don’t have to like them!” a phrase that you sometimes can find coming out of my mouth. Things you might hear them say…”No one wants you here…You don’t know anything, mom and dad let us do it…I don’t want CHICKEN…NO!”. That paints the dark side of our relationship – aside from all the warm gooey laughter and love that we usually share. Having the responsibility of their care, in light of the recent difficulties we’ve had with both of them, left me aprhensive of my ability to corral their boyish tendencies.

As I pondered the many characteristics shared between the two of them and dogs, I thought “I bet they can smell fear too!”. So being bold was the approach I was going to take. It was going to be my way or the highway. Bear (age 17) started the week off whining about what was for dinner and reminding me of all of his social obligations and football games. Luke (age 11) required constant running around town to soccer, klife, school, etc. My mind was no longer on homework, schedules, or my own social events but meals, pick-ups, and bedtimes!

How did God grant me sanity before any stress hit me and where did these motherly instincts come from? We joked about how effecient and well off we could be if our parents never came home at all. We’re co-workers, friends, helpers, students, and siblings! An impossible feat? We think not!

I am thankful! I am thankful for the company of Luke every single night since my parents left. He gave a fresh take on simple things in my everydays, like Midnight Oil and Granitas! I am thankful for Bear’s good decisions and dependability. It built back the trust he had lost from me. I am thankful for safety and thankful for peace at our home! And our parents will be home tonight – I am SO thankful for that!

“For the sake of my BROTHERS and friends, I will say, ‘Peace be within you.’” – Psalm 122:8