I took a nap this afternoon, woke up to Burke’s voice on the phone instead of the alarm I set, and realized “oops! I did it again…”. But I still wanted to share with each of you what God has been teaching me over the past few months.
I wondered when as we were signing up to share at leaders meetings what God would be teaching many months in the future, on this specific day. I was pretty sure it would be something like being really pumped about small group (or the opposite), maybe having clarity of just where God is leading me in my future, maybe even sharing with you my excitement about going back to Kanakuk, but all those things seem nominal at the moment.
Mainly, what I’ve learned about myself in the past few months is that I dislike conflict. I would rather be a pacifist than to ruin someone’s day with by confronting them about something. Equally, a like comment towards me can truly turn my day on its back. And the ONLY concrete thing I know about myself because I’ve discovered this about myself is that I value peace. But doesn’t everyone want that?
I question whether I fold for the benefit of the group – especially in my home life. Where do lines get drawn on respect for my parents and my needs as a woman trying to become an independent adult. Do I do it with all of you? The answer is yes as often as it no.
Jess’s talk about deferring to others really stuck with me. I have mauled over that idea and searched deep to figure out if that was my case or was I just a pansy.
But “God did not give [me] a spirit of timidity…” so where will I find balance between saying what needs to be said and letting other things work themselves out? That lies only in the within the will of God. I must begun to learn to be an effective peace maker only by knowing HIM. Not reading conflict management books or techniques, not by passively praying and have no courage to act.
I am deeply encouraged knowing that the battles I fight, I hope to never have chosen for myself, but that they would be on target with the objective God wants me to reach solely for His glory.
Basically, all I know for now is that Jesus dealt with a lot of conflict with those who opposed who he was. Followers of Christ through the centuries dealt with conflict from those who opposed what they believed. And as sure as I am a daughter of Christ, there will be conflict in my life used to grow me and mature me. (James 1:2-4)
Little did I know, at the beginning of last year when I began my blog I would have so accurately named it; “I Bite My Tongue.” Oh God, you joker!!! Can’t He seriously crack you up sometimes or what? But really, its simple a concept through which I am growing immensely.
So there you go…that’s one of my my biggest fears and I ask you to hold me to it the goal I have to gracefully, truthfully, and lovingly confront problems head on. I do want to learn. I dont want to be scared.
