I’m having to remind myself to breathe lately. Most of my life, almost all of it, is blessed because of my family! We are a real family – we want to be together, we want to know each other, and most importantly we strive to serve, know, and love God with all our hearts unitedly. No people in my life make me feel more important and loved. But we’ve hit a rough patch…it was inevitable, just a matter of time. I’m learning how to love them when it’s hard to breathe.
When I think back to my childhood, or at least what I can remember, it could be the childhood to measure all others with, and it would win.
Late mornings at the breakfast bar, watching Gula Gula Island, and doing Mavis Beacon. Dad bringing home children’s books just because he loves us. And when Dad took us to Shogun’s and the Zoo and the Baseball game all in one day. All those long afternoons in creeks rearranging the rocks to make waterfalls. Our prayer hand prints to pray for Mom on her mission trips (they seemed forever). The times we played McDonalds with the intercom at our house. When Luke “didn’t want to be a part of our family anymore” and Bear and I acted like we were running away from home to make him appreciate us – it worked! Our club, just the boys and me, in the “woods” with the “white zombies”, “bear tree”, and sumac forests. Mom always instigating the after dinner basketball and softball games and just letting us be…in the rain, with our umbrella tents. Homeschooling was the bomb (.com)! Morning rounds at the hospital with Dad and breakfast in the secret doctors lounge. “Trades” with my dad – he rubs my back and I rub his feet at the same time. Pulley systems back and forth between the foyer and all of our secret hiding spots. The 3 of us sleeping in the same bed together everynight, for years, talking and laughing …singing “I love you Lord” and “Winnie the Poo Bear” to them every night. The smell of summer and the country club swimming pool at night when it was just our family. Everyone’s assigned seats at our table. Friday nights when I was a loner/loser- they all were my best friends. Constant encouragement to be myself! Never ceasing prayer. If only we could go back to those days – the perfect days of elated simplicity and peace. We lived it up!
I miss those times. Things aren’t too far gone – I wish they would see that too. We are in transition – and we fight. Fighting breaks my heart. Its so controlled it’s out of control, if that makes sense. It hurts to hear my brothers say they don’t want me here anymore. The best friend I used to be has been banished from their hearts. And my poor parents are squinting to see hope at the end of these teenage years!
No doubt it will be over as quickly as the sunsets of all those perfect days in our past but right now it’s as repetitive and monotonous as waiting for a train to pass at a railroad crossing! We’re growing up…it hurts sometimes and it sucks a lot of the time, but mainly its just hard. I do my best for them, but I’m not good enough. I speak words of kindness that somehow get lost in translation and get the response of the worst insult that could be dealt. Do they even remember those things I remember? Looking back it was like an untouchable, beautiful dream. But it wasn’t a dream…life was real, it was love.
When everything is on pins and needles, I can at least know that it’s in God’s hands. They are the family God perfectly created for me and I for them – why? I have no idea sometimes. But His providence is easy to trust. If nothing else, I’ll hold on to that.
“All that I know is I’m breathing…
All I can do is keep breathing…
All we can do is keep breathing…
now.” -Ingrid Michaelson
